My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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