i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Randomize
