if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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