his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
