the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize
