I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Randomize
