i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
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