im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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