I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
