please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I checked into jail on foursquare
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
