I am puke
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
