my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
