No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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