Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Are we still banned from the library?
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
