A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
