Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Randomize
