He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
