Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
