She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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