didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
