You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize