I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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