No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
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