tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
