It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
