I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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