so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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