I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
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