i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
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