i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I can't put those talents on a resume
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
