i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
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