she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
