Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize
