Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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