I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
