How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
