I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Randomize
