I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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