I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
