I can text with my tongue
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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