Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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