I think I just saw someone hide a body.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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