At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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