So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
