Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
