I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Randomize
