He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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