you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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