Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
If I die, sorry about rent.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Randomize
