When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize