I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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