My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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