I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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