drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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