god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Randomize
