You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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