I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize
