new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
