Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
He keeps bees of course he's weird
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
