Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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