She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
