Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
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