My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
